Parenting: The End Game Written By: Priyanka Tiku Gupta Edited by: Taarini Gupta

We invite parenting into our space, usually fully aware that we lack any prior experience, a job description, or a do’s and don't handbook. As we trudge along this journey, more often than not, we never feel 100% sure about whether what we are doing is right or wrong. We are unknowingly in an always-on-seek and search mindset, looking for tips and techniques from those who seemingly inspire us because they have already been through the parenting process themselves and have crawled out of their journeys with successful children as a testament to their success. We look at their resulting achievement and aim to achieve a similar result. Yet, we neither celebrate the challenging processes of their journey over raising their child nor accept that our journey will no doubt be as challenging, with inevitable little failures. As we go through this parenting journey, we go through a myriad of moments. We feel challenged, yet something makes us look forward to the next day. Days become weeks, and before we know it, years have flown by, and all that's left behind are our memories. After working in the corporate world for over a decade, parenting remains the toughest role I have had to play. However, surprisingly, every time someone congratulates my husband and I for raising successful kids, I cannot embrace the compliment. Something in me doesn't believe that's true.

As a child, I was born and brought up in a relatively competitive environment. Looking back at the past, I realized that the underlying theme of my childhood was to beat the rest and stay on top. Due to limited exposure and opportunities, growing up in such an ecosystem engrained a tormentable lifelong lesson within me. “Survival of the fittest.” To no one’s fault, but the culture of my time, our parents did not praise most of our generation often enough for doing well, for success, or for the small wins. The spotlight always shone on what we missed vs. what we achieved. We were encouraged to follow the more known, the more set path, and measures of success were quantifiable benchmarks that belonged to societal norms and beliefs. For most of my childhood, no one ever asked me how I felt, what I struggled with, and what I wanted. Every one of my achievements automatically received a significant external review and required validation to be considered inherently valid. And the child in me unconsciously assumed that I needed to go on and follow the set path to be valid.

My husband and my partner in crime in my parenting journey also grew up in a similar environment with more or less similar beliefs and values. As a child, his circumstances and environment designed his motivations and ambitions. He made his own mistakes, received his own “do’s and dont's” list, and sought the inspiration that unconsciously shaped him as a person and as a parent along the way.

We always turn into our parents. Even 30 years later, we still seek comfort in attaching ourselves to the same behavior our parents exhibited on us. Some of us also tend to overcompensate for what we didn't receive from our parents. Unfortunately, we do this without considering whether our behaviors will benefit our child or not. The story then continues, from one generation to the next, as my husband and I partnered to become the parents of our children. Both of us unconsciously brought out our own beliefs, values, learnings, and conditioning; synthesized, they continue to determine our household’s parenting ecosystem. And, depending on our tendencies to attach to pre-existing roles, this ecosystem’s new rules are continuing to establish themselves as new roles and responsibilities continue to etch out.

Reflecting on my parenting journey of 15 years, here are my learnings on what I wish all the parenting books, blogs, videos, advice, and conversations would have told me before I started this interesting role in life

1. Don’t drag your past into their future.

Our unfulfilled ambitions and sometimes even those of our parents unconsciously manifest into our children’s life goals. Is it correct to instill our fears into their thoughts, beliefs, and our journey into their expected behaviors? How do we know what worked for us will work for them. Do we need to ask ourselves what the end game is? And If we want our kids to be “ready” enough to face the world, isn't it time for us as parents to open our eyes and view the world with a fresh lens? Because right NOW is the time for us to let go of our preexisting notions and definitions of success for our children’s sake. That more set path is only still in place because of us, our baggage from our generation holding it together because we never learned to be brave enough and bold enough to let it go. To have the courage and creativity to allow our children to mold it and shape it into theirs so that we will only continue to grow.

As a parent, I have learned the importance of challenging set expectations, behaviors, and beliefs. Because I have had to face the suffocation and loneliness of not being given the freedom to color outside the lines. So when in doubt, ask yourself only one question: are you operating with your child as a child or a parent in situations where they want to challenge your expectations.

2. Strengthen their strengths and weaken their weakness

Our children have come to this world with their set path and journey. I often ask myself what our role as parents is? What is enough and what is too much? How do you know as a parent when to protect and when to let go? As parents, we tend to turn our children’s resumes into our report cards. What happens is since we are judging our report card, we tend to focus on what’s just not good enough, as that’s how our parents raised us– to put the spotlight on what we were not achieving. But after reflection, I know how important it is to be present with your children actively and continue to bring opportunities in their space. Listen to their stories and ask them how they feel. Encourage them to make their own mistakes, to fail, and to learn from them. Applaud them and celebrate their success, no matter how big or how small. Our role as a parent should gradually translate into being a facilitator as our child gradually becomes older, more independent, and travels further along their individual paths. So instead of constantly reprimanding and over-protecting them for the sake of love, let them enter uncharted territories; if they fall, be there to pick them up, and before you leave, ask them to reflect, ruminate and have the courage to move on.

3. Love your child and help them deconstruct their fears

As a child, ask yourself, what was the one thing you always craved from your parents? Their love? Their undivided attention? Their acceptance? At the same time, most of us, even as grown-up adults, still fear our parents' anger and disappointment. The truth is children of today still operate, when dealing with their parents, with the same primary emotions: love and fear. Hence, our role as parents should be to give them constant and unconditional love, which doesn't imply spoiling them. Unconditional loving them simply means to teach them to embrace love, know what it means to be loved, and not be devoid of it, seeking it elsewhere. Hug your child every day, give them that kiss on the forehead, tell them how much you love them, and eventually normalize expression of love and affection. Your words are powerful and important to them. Be careful about what you say, how you speak to them, and how much you restrict them from speaking for themselves. Your child should not fear you, and you should not be the one who consciously or unconsciously creates their fears. Instead, ensure you regularly check in with them and encourage them to acknowledge and accept their fears. Guide them on rationalizing it for themselves and supporting them as they move from different types of fears, different stages of fear, across different stages of life.

To conclude, I will leave you with two beautiful quotes that I use to go back to often as a parent to remind myself of the overall goal of parenting, the true purpose of this journey, and to remember to respect my children endlessly.––

“Your children are not your children.

They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you.

And though they are with you yet, they belong not to you.

Kahlil Gibran

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves,and not to twist them to fit into our own image, otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we see in them”

Thomas Merton